Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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