The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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