pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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