Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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