addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
