my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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