those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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