To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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