She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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