Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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