I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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