He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
