I should be sponsored by Trojan
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
