I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
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Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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