Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
