Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
