Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
