Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
