In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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