Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
