she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
