I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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