i already hear my dad disowning me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
