you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
