I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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