last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
