just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
