i would punch a child for taco bell
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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