So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
