He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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