Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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