you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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