Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
