I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize