Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
