You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
