My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
