im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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