Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
