I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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