When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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