and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So much rum. So many feels.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
