Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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