The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
