Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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