I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
