1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
need another drink. this is the easiest way
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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