I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
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Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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