wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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