he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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