just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
