I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
