u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
