dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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