Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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