I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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