I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
