i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
