do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
